Denial

Given all the guilt associated with being transgender, it is not surprising that many girls go through periods of purging and denial.  For two years as I finished high school I quit.  Luckily I didn’t really have anything to throw out, I was mostly borrowing my mum’s clothes.  For years, I had hoped that all these t-feelings were a phase.  I even managed to get a year through college.  For better or worse, there isn’t much privacy when you live in a dorm.  I didn’t really get comfortable until my sophomore year.  I moved from the engineering dorm, where everyone stayed in their rooms playing first person shooters, to the cinema floor where everyone hung out with their doors open, watching and making films.

The gasket reopened as it does for many people with four words: Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The late nite campy sing-a-long dance-a-long dress-a-long tribute to transvestism.   It was a week before Halloween.  We piled in a van and headed down to long beach.  Now I was out of practice, a hairy goateed mess buying trashy mini skirts and hot pink turtlenecks at the thrift store.  The overall look was closer to dirty french hooker than fashionista.  Yet even with my crazy beret hat, I still had more style than almost any of my friends (boobs and long legs go far).  Almost

There was one other “girl” with style – too much style.  She was  already prepared with a drag name, drag style, wig, and wardrobe.  In fact she stated making a series of short camp films starring herself saving the day from various dastardly villains with her good fashion sense and swinging handbag.  I got to appear in one as an incarnation of the devil, though I think I got the part more for my English accent, not because I have good legs in a skirt.  I never told her.  Remember, I was still coming off 3 years of denial.  She did over-the-top drag.  I didn’t know what my style was yet but that wasn’t me.  So instead of coming out of the closet, there were the long years of bad fashion with expired makeup which didn’t really change till my wife rescued me and I learnt what good style really is.

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